#and its not like im upset by these things in a way that is actively hurting me
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Me patiently waiting for a way to make comics about the shitty things that happened in 2020-2023 but unsure of how to go about it in a way that will make me feel better smh
#like-#ugh#it all seems rrally stupid and blown out of proportion when i think about it too long#and then when i DO talk about it with other people who were there#theyre like ' yeah that was shitty' but what if my perspective is skewing their idea#idk#I also worry that my memories are new skewed by other people's perspectives#its like a whole thing#and its not like im upset by these things in a way that is actively hurting me#but i am retroactively realizing it was kinda bad????#idk maybe if i make comics about it someone will be like ' yeah that IS really shitty' but#i still dont know if that will be a warped version of what happened#the point is shit happened and i cant make art about it cause what if it really wasnt that bad#i think im just mad cause that person is currently having a great fucking time#and not feeling any regrets about anything#and overall just not facing the consequences of their actions#against me or the people that they hurt way worse than me#like theyre just gonna get away with being a shitty fucking person#anyway#this is not directed at anyone here btw this person ( hopefully ) can't see this#also damn i kmow for a fact that not being able to trust my memories and perspective is partially because of all this#smfh#its really not that serious but unfortunately it did effect me haha
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Literally no other way I could describe it right now.
#there are some serious feelings attached to all thats happening#im saddened. im mad. at the end of the day this is how i cope so im sorry if you dont feel like humor is your way out#im disappointed and digusted#personally#neil gaiman#is innocent until proven guilty and my heart goes out to the victims of this whole situation.#i know. i KNOW the right is gonna make it about trans rights and the left is gonna make this about zionism and how these results are#unsurprising due to him being 'either' of these (which im not going into)#because its NOT about those. its the disgusting behaviors he did w those women. consent or not he actively sought out rlly young women.#i hold out a tiny bit of hope but if all things go to shit I dont rlly have anything to fall back on in terms of fandom.#good omens got me through shit. it got me through hell and some my worst times ever.#ive made irreplaceable IRL friends#idk#just some feelings im putting out here. im still gonna 100% support all GO creators (unless they outright excuse NG's actions esp when hes#not yet proven innocent)#but yeah#i havent spoken about this in my other accs and I think this is the only coherent thought I can manage from all of that.#again. really upset. but we got this. were all in this together yk? theres no one side or another to SA but to support the victims.#thats all im rlly gonna say. just remember that Im sending uou guys lots of love. lets get through this <3#[EDIT: I MEANT TO SAY NEIL IS GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT FOR ME !!!!]
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Nooo cam u dont want to analyze the psychology behind mikes actions in the bite of 83 even though scott didnt put anywhere near your amount of thought into it noo dont do that. freak
#(guy who loves psychoanalyzing people voice) Yeah idk i just think that theres a difference in severity of mikes bullying of cc#compared to when his friends were around and considering mikes age and the impulse in teenagers to impress others you want to like you#(ie your friends) its likely he decided to do the thing he knew would upset cc the most bc he was focused on making sure his brother is the#most afraid possible so he and his friends can get a laugh and enjoy themselves and Fuck Thinking About Consequences We're Like 15 Bro#compared to when youre alone and have no one to impress / to egg you on / indulge your negative behaviors so he may not go as far as#actively putting him in a dangerous situation because without anyone around you to influence you youre more likely to think before you act#(to some extent) which is why prior to shoving his head in fbs mouth he only ever just jumpscared him and locked him in a room which wasnt#actively dangerous iirc. i dont think i have any more to say Does that make sense#if this is incoherent just know its getting late dont question me i may or may not be eepy depending on if this makes sense or not#anyway !! this is also NOT to say that michael wasnt to blame OR that he was peer pressured into doing it#im just saying that i dont think it would have happened if he was alone. for these reasons. thank you gn this has been my tedtalk.#and if you read all the way to the end then id like to say: what are you doing with your life /lh#am i putting too much thought into it? Yeah this is fnaf. of course. i doubt it was thought out much. but thats what i doooooo#they call me the thinker guy the way i. think. ok thats enough talking for today cameron#cam.txt#oh and if this is like. obvious. i guess. then shhhh i said nothinggg. perdóname. no oísteis nada
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Alright. Guess the submas tag is still full of angst 👍🏼
#i keep making the same mistake in a feeble attempt to invalidate what my mind throws at me#i get to be upset over a whole new thing instead 🎉🤸#its either that or im far too sensible to anything that could have an even vaguely negative connotation#like man its gotten so bad that i literally cant handle angst if it doesn't have an immediate happy ending or the promise of one#and i see a piece of angst and end up thinking about it all day in an attempt to imagine a way that could end in it being resolved#and then try and convince myself that it is the only reasonable conclusion#like come on brain. i just want to think about them building a train lego set as a re-bonding activity post hisui#why you gotta give me all this angst :(#.wait is this an ocd moment#or is it something else. guys anyone have the same experience oh my god?#should i tell my therapist my thought process...#personal#am i putting this in the tag. i am putting this in the tag#submas#i just want the certainty that he gets home and both he and emmet have a good time after is that truly too much to ask gamefreak#i dont even care if theyre changed over the years or not i just want them to be happy with themselves and each other. vibing together
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genuinely baffling to me how much of a victim complex some skk shippers have
YEAH yeah aouhghh-
like,, its one thing if people were actively harassing/bothering them but there is no reason for Those Types of skk-ers to be So Upset about other ships just existing (and to just,,doing the same things that they do in terms of relating/redrawing other ships moments to theirs)
I mean come on,, just look the other way,, no need to cry cuz someone chose to make Dazai to kiss different colored pile of pixels today
#the hypocrisy again just really gets me like- WHY ARE U SO upset abt other shippers relating their ship to ur ship's quotes/scenes#when you guys MANY TIMES have done those exact things yourself :'') like yeah im sure it's annoying for both sides but glass houses y know#idk I just ?? it's just wild to me.#they dominate the fandom in such a WILD way I've never seen for how much content they have in proportion to other ships KFJHKF#and it would be fine if they were like... just normal about it but why do so many treat it like it's an entire fucking war KFHFK#u don't need to comment 'I don't ship this cuz I ship x but its cute too ig' on every post u see wth a non x ship just IGNORE IT#u don't see any other ship doing that with their ship regularly like they do (at all personally but don't wonna say it never has happened)#and before anyone gets upset and is like 'oh kite but aren't u actively doing that rn?'#no cuz i only complain abt them when they're actively harassing/bothering other shippers for NO REASON </3 if I was doing the same thing I-#-would want people to call me out too but im not cuz idc who u ship characters with if i don't like it'll ill just block/mute and move on -#cuz im a big fucking kid with grown up feelings and adult levels of empathy and know how to Not invade their spaces just cuz I ship someth
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i keep unintentionally doing things that ended up upsetting me lol why am i like this
#i was trying to see if i can fix my twitter account because im tired of being shadowbanned#(u know what at this point its probably not shadowban im probably just being ignored or furries there hate me for something i didnt know)#anyway theres option to filter out notifications so you can only get ones from mutuals#so i enabled the filter#and then my notification is empty outside of from twitter system like login and anniversary#my mutuals havent interacted for months#that actually made me upset so much i wanna just softblock all of them#i post everyday#no way they didnt see even a single one of my tweets#but softblocking people too many times will cause me get a warning from twitter because they think im follow baiting or some shit#idk twitter is weird but theyve done that to me on my AD#it makes me so angry like#i keep replying liking retweeting interacting with their tweets but none of them did the same thing back#i hate them i hate them so muchhh#they also not active on the servers or discord too but i thought they were just inactive but no they probably all already left#or mute me there or whatever the equivalent shit on discord#im so mad i hate it i hate it i hate ittttt#im probably the one at fault#they hate me because its me#they would love anything i do if it were a different person#i hate this#i feel like i wanna stop#i dont want this#i paint and post it and have people see it for fun serotonin time. if nobody wants to see it and preventing others to see it then#whats the point
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I like that all my tavs/durges have romanced different ppl i can't imagine making another tav that works so well w asty considering it seemed like a total fluke. Consistently battling between approval n disapproval, they regularly challenged each other (and that included times eins was callous without realizing just how much their words meant to asty)... like I truly think just playing the game as close to what I *think* my character would do worked so well I would just be trying to recapture that magic if I tried 2 romance him again
#i think due to their upbringing and the way people treated them back in bg eins was like...#not ready to believe that a vulnerable love was possible for someone like them#actively pushing asty away but wanting him to stay close.#and then asty does the same thing and its like god you guys need therapy#but LOVE.... persevered....#plus i feel like it made the line about 'would you have brought me to cazador if things had been different?' hit SO hard#because eins really was a dirt poor ''criminal''. sure they had family and friends but no one could do anything if they went missing.#like they were a prime candidate and i think both of them are upset by that truth.#they'd have to work thru a lot to stay together and that makes it really interesting to meee#truly a shame that the market for tav/asty is so saturated. i dont need 2 throw my hat into that ring#im too busy googling up mid 17th century clothing for my little homoerotic wyll/starion doodles. i got shit to do man
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say it on main with your chest
no :thumbsup:
#asks#may be a cowards choice but idc really...#the thing is i have random ass haterisms towards many teams and things . and idk sometimes i see people hate on my teams#or like gloat when they lose or whatevs#and it's. upsetting is a strong word but i dont care for it! and i have seen similar sentiments elsewhere#and im a fairly popular blog w a pretty widespread array of followers so i dont want to like. make someone feel worse for no reason#because my haterism IS largely for no reason theres no activism in it its just 'i dislike the vibes. my bad thoughts be upon thee'#i mean some of my hater opinions are known lmao but i try not to be excessive we're here 2 have fun#if you want my true and honest hater opinions youll have to befriend me the old fashioned way. im afraid
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most of the time on the internet I post my art and talk about my headcanons, ocs and lgbt issues but whatever floats your boat. idk what your issue is with me, would be cool if youd be mature about it and talk to me in private. we are the same age
all I did was notify my followers why I cant use twitter and tumblr much, its better for my mental health to keep instagram as my main. I dont know why that was something worth to be rude about. what exactly is bad about me looking out for myself?
you also have me blocked so I dont get why youre looking at my account and interacting in the first place, it doesnt do anything progressive
#this is the only thing Im gonna post abt this- I wouldnt post at all if I had a way of contanting this person or if I could block them#dont want to start anything at all Im just a little upset#if you dont like my content and have me blocked why are you here in the first place#also thats not.. what I indulge in#sometimes I put my opinions out there abt like.. my own identity and trans issues but thats about it#Ive even muted people who actively talk abt drama or something similar bc its not smth I can handle#Im not exactly sure what indugle means in this context bc english isbt my native language so idk if I even understood
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aww its kinda cute finding me complaining abt my dads whole lisa thing from 2017. honestly so overshadowed by everything else and also i was so annoying when i was 12 aw .
#did not realize how many of my journal posts r just vents and it all looks so silly now RJRBJFBFNG aw hun. its so funny that i was#complaining abt my mom treating me like a therapist in 2017. <- his ass did notttt know. its like watching a guy standing on the train#tracks and complaining about a car driving past.#sry . i ended up on quotev just 2 look. ive never actually looked at my like activity feed very much whenever i go back but its funny bc it#rly is a more accurate glimpse into whateve was going on for miss kami (my quotev nickname).... like yasss. you hate your dads girlfriend#and her kids that is a nice problem to have#its also embarassing bc like my ex gf is just all around in here . i made a vent post like I get it im not enough and i dont matter and im#just a tool for you to use 😡😡😡 and she commented “yesss tell the world”. SO FUNNY?#and i found her being excited abt our 5 month anniversary#delightfully 12 year old activity. i do not like her very much at all and idt i ever actualy loved her#not in a bitchy way in a like. i literally questioned if i was aroace the entire time we were dating#she asked me out with a little note passed in class like circle y/n and i literally thought to myself Hm well i guess i dont have anything#going on. and circled yes. which is so funny. hun?#anyways. that all imploded bc we were 11 its whatever.#sigh. its just nice to remember the little problems i had. like obviously all this is after my dad choked me out in public and threw my dog#and etc but its still technically the beforetimes. yk. and ik the zoo isnt rly the most pressing of my things that have happened to me#anymore but its still like. Big. yk. even if i mostly just have to Be fine about it now or else everyone will think im being an awful piec#of shit asshole for still being upset. Ok sorry#also when i call my 12 yesr old self snnoying i mean it in an loving way like. its only right to be kind of annoying when youre 12 yk...#and also 12 year old kamille is Not here rn so i can be a little playfully mean to her. bc shes such a 12 year old#idk i just struggle a lot bc i am so like. far removed from everything that happened atp were on like 4th or 5th generation post that#and i struggle to put myself in That kamilles shoes and remember she was a kid yk. like obviously ik i was a kid ik i didnt deserve that#but when i try to like. put myself back in the situation and try to force myself to remember that exact day (dont do this btw . it does not#go well LOL) but i always like. i try to rebuild the events from the ground up but im not Kamille age 12 im me. witnessing everything#i wont ever be able to remember it How it acrually was i couldnt even fully remember it like a week after the fact yk. itis what itis#sorry i should prolly tag this i rambleddddd#a2t#child abuse#implied but we#animal abuse
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And the cycle begins anew . As it does every week
#vent continued in tags sorry gang#every fucking monday ma ends up pissed and yelling about SOMETHING#sorry that im taking the meds that actually help and im not miserable and in pain all the time and throwing up all the time and i didn't#hear the baby making a mess at four in the morning . shocker that the meds that knock me out would prevent me from waking up to hear that#and its not like i can even be upset that she's mad . i was mad . i am mad . i did my best to clean it up#and its not like he only got into her shit. he got into my shit too. he ruined and wasted my stuff too.#when he was able to get into my room and destroy things all the time it was always “dont act like that#he doesn't understand . you cant be mad at him#why would you leave it out if you didn't want it destroyed“ as if i had any other fucking option#maybe if i didn't have fuckin . 8 sheets of drywall (?)#two metal floor vents and a fucking DOOR just sitting in my room i'd have space fo put my stuff and i wouldn't bitch about it#he doesn't get into my room anymore because i have a lock that i have to carry the key for around 24/7#but i do myfucking best to keep him from getting into shit but i CANT DO THAT ALL THE TIME#ESPECIALLY NOT AT FOUR IN THE MORNING WHEN HE IS ACTIVELY BEING SNEAKY AND IM SO KNOCKED OUT I COULD WOULD AND HAVE SLEPT THROUGH TORNADO#SIRENS . SHOCKER THAT HES ABLE TO DESTROY SHIT WHEN IM IN SUCH A STATE . WHO COULD'VE PREDICTED THIS .#im trapped here i can never fucking leave jesus christ#i can never leave. what the hell am i gonna do#i cant do this for the rest of my life . i want to move away so bad but i cant even do that#im too disabled to work like i need to to support myself i cant move to another state but its the only way i'd be able to escape this#unless i move to fuckin . chicago or some shit#god i hate it here i hate myself for not being able to handle it and being upset and being dramatic about it all#and i hate myself for being so tired of it because i dont have any excuse and i hate myself for being so upset that im not able to have#a social life and being jealous of my younger coworkers that talk about hanging out with their friends or like . goin to the fucking park#on a weekday and not being constantly messaged about how bad their baby brother is and how they need to come home asap and#how they aren't wrecked by the guilt of being out even on the weekends and i hate that im so jealous of them#and i hate how embarrassing it is that im the only one of my coworkers who doesn't get asked what they're doing on weekdays anymore because#everybody knows exactly what im doing. im staying at home watching the baby#and i hate how humiliated i am every time one of my friends cancels plans last minute and i hate that i lie to my ma about why plans change#god that got long and obnoxious . sorry gang (me rereading my tags later)#puppmeo misery
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SOMETHING STRANGE is in the heart. song by dee-lusions
#(REALIZING THIS IS LIKE. SERIOUS SO WARNING IN ADVANCE FOR GUNS#PANIC ATTACKS#AND UNREALITY)#is it normal to suddenly like really believe something#genuinely believe it even though its weird as shit#and im actively questioning it but also like. well what ELSE could be true other than that everyone is a character/doesnt exist actually#and have no internal dialogue like sims!#and then after like one week to two months one day you wake up and its like. well that was silly#also got really really scared like Diagnosis Cause it Impairs my Daily Life scared#that people could read my mind#its still a recurring thing its just easier for me to deal with now#the read my mind thing was anxiety inducing#and i think ive had a couple other delusions involving monsters in the dark#but the most recent one (''everyone is a character/they dont have any internal dialogue because how else would human sentience make sense''#was really really upsetting like worse than my other ones in the way that i believed it more and was more scared of it#tw unreality#sorry realized i should do that#anyways#im worried its like my panic attacks in that like.#i started off getting them as like stress induced or sad/angry induced and didnt include the full list of symptoms/werent insanely intense#and then i had one over school shooting fears#tw gun mention#and noticed that it set me off#and now when i see guns i start to feel really cold inside and scared#and then recently i had a panic attack where i actually felt the whole Impending Sense of Doom/Things Are Chasing Me symptom#so yk. it progressed to Official Actual Panic Attack#OH another delusion was that there was a sniper right outside wherever i was and he was going to shoot me#that and the mind reading thing were more like I Can Feel This Even Though I Know On Some Level It Isnt True#but the Everyone is Characters delusion.. i fr believed that#for like a week
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🤍𓂃 ࣪˖ if you can read this, it means you're still here! which is an achievement in itself. im so proud of you. <3
i have been falling back into some bad habits recently, and thinking about it a lot. i had a really, really bad night last night and this morning i woke up with puffy eyes and a messy room but i felt light.
imagine yourself in december this year. imagine yourself looking back on today and smiling at how far you've come. everything can change in one year. everything can change at any time.
there is a whole entire world for you. the sound of rain on the glass, the way the petals fall in the spring, the way the sun rises in the morning, that stranger that smiled at you on the street, that cute little dog you saw on your way to work or school or wherever you went to this morning.
there are people you haven't even met who are cheering you on. you have so many people admiring you from the sidelines because they're too shy to say it. i have been one of those people and still am. there are people who admire the tiniest things about you; the creases by your eyes when you smile, the cute little dimples on your cheeks, the way your hair gets so messy after being out in the wind, the way you hold yourself with such confidence, the way you try so hard to be better every day even if it's hard.
there are people who love you beyond belief that you've never even met yet. because there is so much to be explored, so much to be learnt, so much to see and so much to meet. 8 billion people. 8 billion. even if it feels like you're surrounded by people who don't love you, who don't want the best for you, who don't take care of you and admire you half as much as they should, they are not the last people in the world, and they never will be. there are 8 billion people! think about that for a second! there is someone who is wishing for you the way you are wishing for them! there are people who have so much love for you they haven't even had the chance yet to express!! that's so beautiful!!! <3
there are people who do love you beyond belief, even if you guys don't talk anymore. there are people who smile when they look back on you guys time together, from your childhood best friend to that girl you complimented in the street years and years and years ago. there are people who look back on your memory fondly and still love you and are so happy to see you flourishing.
its okay to be sensitive, its okay to get upset by things. not everything is going to be okay all the time, and neither are you. you can't have good without the bad, and the good always comes afterwards better than you'd ever imagined. life is feeling everything deeply and learning from it, no matter how hard it was or still is. you can always make it through because the most sensitive people are the strongest people.
there is so much life left. you are so young, no matter how old you are. there is so much you can do, so much you will do, so many achievements to be made, so many friends to meet, so many experiences you can learn from. you will get your happily ever after and you will make something beautiful out of your life because life is messy and imperfect and constantly growing and that is beauty.
please keep living, because there is so much to live for. even if you want to go back to that home of sadness you've built over the years, even if growth is messy and uncomfortable, even if things aren't going too great right now, even if it's not everything you thought it would be, you've survived your entire life with you helping you through it even if you've been alone.
you've picked yourself back up every. single. time. and are still making an active effort. that is extremely strong and you've done more than 90% of other people would do in your position and all the things you've been through. you've tried so hard and you should be so proud of yourself. and you should keep going for, because the life you're dreaming of is so close. please smile. please never give up. there is so much left to live for. i love you & you should do the same.
#girlblogging#girly tumblr#wonyoungism#self improvement#self concept#self image#mental health#mental illness#recovery#pink pilates princess#it girl#self care#lifestyle#dream girl#dream life#advice
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➜ GARDENS OF BABYLON
summary: clarisse la rue x daughter of apollo reader. reader hates clarisse until she doesn't hehe. reader is a little bit of a bitch sorry!! just a bit tho! ooc clarisse maybe? and no smut ofc :) just sweet girls in love mwah
warning: reader dates a man but there's not a lot of details about that, bad writing sorry:/
word count: 5k (im so sorry i got carried away)
Help Palestine 🇵🇸!
It could be love, we could be the way forward and I know I'll pay for it
You weren't sure about many things in your life, but one think that you were pretty sure about, was the that you and Clarisse had nothing in common.
She was rude and mean. She didn't hesitate when it came to hurting people. She was cold. She was exactly what you expect an Ares child to be like. So you tried to keep your distance as much as possible.
It was hard, though. The first time you went to camp, you were twelve, extremely scared and insecure, and she did not help your case, at all. You still remembered, how rude she was to you on your first week, how upset she made you and how she made fun of you for crying afterwards. You still remembered watching as the smile appeared on her face the second she saw the tears in your eyes. You could never forget that look. And you could definitely never forgive her, either.
After that, you had very small interactions, you got claimed after two months, which was good enough for you. You made friends, you grew up and gained confidence in yourself and in your abilities. And that whole incident with Clarisse just became a distant memory. But she was still always around. And you were always trying to pretend like she wasn't.
But your whole opinion on her was about to change, and it all started one night, at the bonfire.
At the time you were dating a guy, Jacob, and you liked Jason, you really did, he was nice – most of the time, he was funny– sometimes, he liked to spend time with you, and you never heard anything bad about him. And you were having fun, he was entertaining you, which sounded wrong, and although, you could never admit it out loud, that's all that he was. Entertainment. So the moment he expressed his wish for more, for something a bit more serious, you called it off.
Reality was, you didn't want a relationship, you didn't need one. Your life was crazy as it is, you didn't need one more thing to be preoccupied about, you just wanted to have fun, that's all you needed at the moment. But he did not take that well. That guy you knew disappeared the moment you told him you wanted to stop seeing him.
And yes, maybe it was kind of bad that you decided to end things at the bonfire, with people around – people that could easily listen to your conversation and spread the gossip later. And sure, maybe you were a bit cold towards him, but he did not need to make a scene, a huge scandal. And that was exactly what he did.
You still remember the dirty looks people gave you afterwards, all the whispers, all the rumors surrounding you two. And it made you crazy, people knew nothing about the situation, but they still talked like they did.
And that's when Clarisse came in. You didn't know she was there that night, you didn't know she saw the whole thing.
You were practicing your favorite activity, archery. It made you feel calm, in the moment, and that's exactly what you needed. That was, until you heard a very familiar voice, speaking close to you, way too close.
"Hi pretty"
You could swear your heart stopped for a moment, you turned around fast, the bow and arrow in your hands quickly forgotten.
The moment you met her eyes, your stomach flipped, a weird and unusual feeling making its way to your chest. Her eyes were locked on yours, her body was close enough that you could feel her breath in your face, you could see the gold in her eyes due to the sun light. And it all just added to that uneasy feeling.
And you were still trying to process the fact that she called you pretty.
"Hello." your voice sounded weak, it made you curse yourself.
"Do you have a minute? Promise it'll be quick." Clarisse tilted her head a little, a small smile on her face.
You looked around, trying to understand what was going on. She had no good reason to talk to you, you weren't her friend, or anything, for that matter. Maybe it was one of those times when she just wanted to bully someone and you were the chosen one. That thought made you back away from her.
"No, I don't."
You turned around, putting your bow and arrow on their place and ready to go back to your cabin, far away from her.
"Oh come on, princess, why not?" You could still hear her as you walked away, hoping she would get the hint. "Aren't you a little curious to know what I wanna talk about?"
You felt her hand on your wrist, making you turn around, face to face with her again. "It's about your little boy Jacob, you know? The one who humiliated you in front of everyone?"
She still had that stupid smile on her face, making you roll your eyes. "And what does whatever you want have to do with me? We are not together anymore, and I don't want anything to do with you. Or him!" you were about to leave when you heard her again.
"I want revenge. Are you sure you're not interested?" you turned around slowly, studying her face. "That little shithead hurt one of my sisters, and I haven't put anyone in their place in a while."
That last part made your heart skip a beat, you knew exactly what she meant, you were one of those people once. But different to Jason, you were just a kid, you didn't deserve what she did to you.
"No, I'm not. Have fun terrorizing him though, you always do anyway."
For the third time, you walked away from her, and much for your disappointment, she let you go.
•┈୨♡୧┈•
"Did you do anything stupid lately?"
You lifted your eyes from your food and looked at your friend in front of you, laughing a little at her question. "What?"
"Like, I don't know, did you do something that I need to know about?" the confusion in your eyes made her look behind you, making you turn your head to look as well. Clarisse was staring at you, a weird expression on her face. "She won't stop staring, please tell me you didn't do something against her, that girl could easily kill–"
"Oh gods, I didn't do anything!" You couldn't help but laugh again, turning back to Anya. "She's just probably upset I turned down an offer she made a few days ago."
"What offer? Why don't I ever know about anything?!"
"It's nothing important really, she wants to do something to Jacob, I don't know what, I just know he hurt her sister and I think she wanted my help to 'put him in his place'? Her words not mine."
"Wow, that's weird. And you just simply said no? Just like that?"
"I mean yeah, I don't want him to hate me even more than he already does."
"Makes sense."
You two went back to being silent for a second, before Anya spoke again. "You know, maybe she wanted to get close to you, or something, I don't know."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know, why would she ask your help on something she could easily do it on her own? I mean, it's a bit weird, right? Maybe she wanted to get to know you."
"I doubt that."
You tried not to think much about it, and pretend that you didn't like the idea of Clarisse wanting to be close to you. But as you closed your eyes that night, ready to go to sleep, the only thing you could think about was pretty brown eyes, with a little bit of gold in them.
•┈୨♡୧┈•
Two days later, as you were walking to practice you saw Jacob, he didn't see you, he was talking to his friend, something you couldn't really hear, but what really caught your attention, was when he lifted up his shirt, his stomach was dark purple, bruises all over it. And you didn't have to think twice to figure out who did that.
And you didn't know why, you just needed to see her, you needed to ask her so many questions, so that's exactly what you did.
You knocked on her cabin door, that heavy and weird feeling on your chest again, waiting for someone to answer. One of her brothers opened the door, looking you up and down. "Can I help you?"
"Yes, is Clarisse here?"
He nodded, but not to say that she was in fact there, he nodded like he knew exactly what you meant.
"Yeah, sure." he left the door open and started to leave the cabin, not before saying with a weird laugh: "Have fun!"
You looked at him confused, having no idea why would he even say that to you, but you decided to not think much about and just go in.
She was sitting on her bed, palm resting on one of her thighs, black nail polish in her other hand. She was painting her nails, and for some reason, that surprise you.
Sure, you've seen her wearing nail polish before, but the look on her face was a rare one, she looked so concentrated, almost peaceful, and you couldn't help but think she looked pretty like that, her curls framing her face.
"Who was it?" she didn't look up from her nails when she said that, probably thinking you were her brother.
"It was me."
You could see the smile on her face before she look up, her eyes shining when she saw you. "Hi pretty."
Ignore the nickname. Ignore the nickname.
"What did you do to him?"
"Sorry?" she got up, walking towards you now, her eyes were dark, the peaceful Clarisse you just saw disappearing.
"I saw his bruises, that was you, wasn't it?"
You didn't know why you were so mad at her, you didn't even like him, you couldn't care less about him if you were being honest, but the need to confront her about it seemed to be more strong than being reasonable.
She tilted her head, a smirk on her face.
"What if it was? Do you have a problem with that?"
"Yes, I do, actually, you shouldn't go around just beating people up."
"Oh really? Why not? He hurt someone I care about, he deserved it."
She didn't sound mad at you, she sounded amused, like she liked the fact that you were talking back.
In reality, she just liked that you were there, in her cabin, so close to her, your eyes locked on hers like you were scared that if you looked anywhere else, she might disappear. But you didn't need to know that.
"Like you care about anyone who isn't yourself, you did that just for fun. Because that's what you do!"
"And why are you so mad about that anyway, hm? You said you didn't wanna have anything to do with it, remember?" she took one more step closer to you, your faces inches apart, you felt her hand on your arm. "Do you still like him or something? Because if I remember correctly, you broke his heart, right? So why do you care so much?"
You didn't know what to say, she was right. And that pissed you off even more.
"I just- I–" You could see her smile growing at your loss of words, her hand on your arm making you even more nervous. "Fuck you, Clarisse."
The feeling in your chest got too strong, you realized how close she was to you, her pretty smile on her face. However her eyes were not on yours anymore, she was looking at your lips, breathing heavy.
Then her eyes met yours again. "Why are you here, y/n?"
"You know why." you stepped back a little, but before you could say anything else you felt her lips on yours.
And you didn't think twice before kissing her back. Her lips were soft, her hands were on your face, and yours made their way to her hips. She smiled during the kiss, making your head spin even more.
"No, wait– that's not what I came for!" you finally came to your senses again, breathing even heavier now. "I don't even like you! I could never like you! You're so... you're awful, you're an awful person!"
Before she could say something, you stormed out of her cabin. And she just stood there, not believing what had just happened.
•┈୨♡୧┈•
A few days since that afternoon had passed and you still couldn't believe that happened. She just kissed you, out of the blue, for no reason at all.
You could still feel her soft lips on yours, her hands on your face, and your heart beating fast against your chest.
But the worst part of it all, is that you liked it, and you couldn't deny it anymore. You couldn't deny your stupid crush on Clarisse. You couldn't deny that's the reason why you got so upset when she mistreated you years ago, that was the reason why you couldn't think straight when it came to her.
Yes she was mean, and a bully – most of the time, she was stubborn and impulsive, but unfortunately for you – and your stupid dumb heart, that didn't make much of a difference. You tried to convince yourself that you hated her for so many years, and yet here you are.
When reality sinked in, you felt panic, because she was the last person you wanted to have feelings for, she was the last person you'd give a chance. So you decided that you were going to repress those feelings, it didn't matter if it hurt you, you would never open your heart to her. You just couldn't.
But apparently the universe had other plans, because while you were at the beach, enjoying the sun, lost in thought, she saw you. Lucky for her, bad luck for you.
You heard her say your name, and before you could run away from her, she sat down beside you, making it impossible for you to look away.
"Where have you been? You just disappeared! Are you avoiding me or something?"
Her voice was soft, you never heard her speaking like this, almost like she was afraid you'd run away if she wasn't careful with her words.
Your stomach felt weird, your heart was beating fast again, and your hands were shaking. All because she noticed. She noticed that you were avoiding her. And for some weird reason, that made you feel special.
"Yeah, well, how did you find me?"
"I threatened one of your friends to tell me where you were." she said that like it was the most obvious think in the world, like you were dumb to even be asking her that question. "I just– I just wanted to say that I'm sorry."
You looked up from the sand, surprise evident in your face, did she just apologize to you?
"You're sorry?"
She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "I'm really bad at this, I just wanted to say that, I'm sorry if I offended you by kissing you, I should've asked first, I just– I felt– I mean, I thought I felt something there but it was just all in my head and I didn't mean to–
You lost your mind, you were sure of it, because now, you were the one kissing her.
One of your hands went to the back of her neck, making her relax under your touch. Her lips moved with yours in the perfect rhythm, like it was meant to be, like you were made to do this, with her.
Her hands were on your back, bringing you closer and closer to her, as if that was possible, and you only stopped kissing when you felt the need for air. Her forehead touched yours, both of you breathing heavy.
"I thought you– I'm... confused." She leaned away a little, still holding you.
In that moment, you didn't know what to say, cause you were as confused as she was. You didn't know why you kissed her, you promised yourself you would stay away, and yet your lips were on hers the moment she got close to you.
"You said you didn't like me." her voice was still soft, but now, a little more serious, her eyes studying your face. "You said you could never like me, did I understand that wrong or what?"
You shook your head, you felt suffocated now that she was so close, asking you questions, making you rethink your terrible decisions and complicated feelings.
"You didn't understand that wrong, that's– yeah, I said that."
Your hand wasn't on her face anymore, and you were getting up. Why did she have to make you feel like this?
"Hey, you're not running away this time! Talk to me." She got up too, getting close to you again.
Her eyes felt like they were burning holes in your skin, making you avoid them. And before you could speak for yourself, try and explain, your anxiety spoke for you.
"What do you want from me, Clarisse? It was just a kiss, does a kiss have to mean anything? I wanted to kiss you, so I did, big fucking deal!"
When you got the courage to look at her again, you couldn't see the soft Clarisse anymore. She nodded her head, looking away from you, letting out a sarcastic laugh.
"You wanted to kiss me, so you did, hm?"
Her voice was cold and her eyes even colder. You nodded your head, if that would help you stay away from her, then you were going to run with it.
She didn't say anything back, she just turned around and left you alone. Not knowing that if she stayed just one more second, she would see the tears streaming down your face.
•┈୨♡୧┈•
You felt horrible, actually, if there was a stronger word for what you were feeling you'd use it, but no amount of words could really describe how you felt.
The guilt was eating you, and you couldn't stop crying, you didn't even know why you were crying in the first place; maybe it was because you realized that you actually had feelings for Clarisse, maybe it was because you were mean to her just because you were scared, or maybe you were just overwhelmed. Either way, the tears wouldn't stop scrolling.
And you did the only thing you knew would help you, you talked to your friend.
"Wait, walk me through it again... you have feelings for who?"
"Please don't make me repeat it!" your hands went to your face, too embarrassed to even think about it.
Anya let out a laugh before she grabbed your wrists, making you look at her again.
"I'm sorry! I just thought you hated her?"
"I guess the hate was just a cover up, I actually do like her a lot. Unfortunately."
"You don't think she likes you back?"
You thought about it for a moment.
You were sure she did, you were sure she liked you back, and was what made it all so scary to you. The fact that you both liked each other, the fact that she could easily hurt you, just like she did years ago, just with a few words. The fact that you could hurt her, just like you did, earlier that day.
With Jacob, it was easy, he liked you, you didn't like him. The moment you got bored and he wanted more, you ended it, and you felt bad, but you also felt safe. You were safe that way, he couldn't hurt your feelings even he tried. That was easy.
With Clarisse,wouldn't be that way, she would know exactly what to do to make you feel pain. If you let her in, she would know just what buttons to push, and that scared you more than anything.
"I just think... I just think it would hurt too much."
Anya gave you a sympathetic look, a small smile on her face. "But if you really like her, don't you think is worth it? Don't you think she's worth it?"
Once again you went to sleep thinking about her. Your mind asking you again and again, is she worth it?
•┈୨♡୧┈•
You felt low in your life a few times.
First, was when your fish died, you were only six and as weird as it sounds, it was your best friend at the time. Second time, was when your grandmother died, when you were eight, she was basically your second mom, and seeing her sick and unable to do anything about it killed you to the core. And the third time was when you found out you had to live your life behind and go to camp, when you found out that you actually had a dad, an unusual one, but you did, and you had to get used to your new life.
And now, it was definitely one of those low points.
You could feel your heart break the moment you saw them together, Clarisse and some girl that you didn't know the name. They were sitting together on the steps of the Ares cabin, Clarisse was touching the other girl's leg, whispering in her ear and making her laugh. You felt sick.
You stopped walking, unable to breathe or to move, staring at them like your life depended on it.
"Oh gods." You could hear Anya say on your right. "Maybe we should go the other way."
Before they could see you, you started walking again, feeling anger and disgust after seeing that. But then it hit you.
You told her the kiss didn't mean anything. You said you didn't like her. You told her you could never like her. You made her believe you didn't feel anything. You had no right to be angry, you had no right to be upset. You just needed to accept that she was moving on, and maybe you should try doing the same.
•┈୨♡୧┈•
A few days later capture the flag happened, as usual the blue team won, which was good, it made you forget about Clarisse for at least a few hours.
But afterwards, at the bonfire, you saw her again, with that same girl. And she looked so beautiful, it was hard to be mad at her. Her hair was down as usual, and she had a black t-shirt on, and it was so tight that made you forget how to breathe for a second.
"Tough, huh?"
You looked to your left, seeing one of her brothers standing next to you, the same one you saw the day you went to their cabin, he was looking at Clarisse as well, his face expression hard to read.
"What do you mean?"
"Seeing her with someone else."
He answered that like it was obvious, looking over at you.
That made your head spin, did she talk about you to her siblings?
"What?! No! We weren't– we never–"
"No, I get it!" he interrupted you, your rambling annoying him. "I was just betting that you would be the one."
"Wait, what?"
This whole situation was giving you a headache.
"Well, you know, in between you and her, I thought you would win, Clarisse was never really fond of her, you know?"
You blinked at him a few times, letting his words sink in. Gathering up courage to ask what was on your mind.
"You think we could work? I mean, we don't even get along." it was supposed to sound nonchalant, like you didn't mean anything by asking that, but unfortunately, he read right through you.
"Yeah, I think you could work. I wouldn't give up on it so easy if I were you."
Before you could ask him anything else, he started to leave but not before saying: "And don't worry, I won't tell her that we had this conversation."
•┈୨♡୧┈•
You could swear you never felt more nervous in your life than at that moment, you were at the door of the Ares cabin, feeling anxiety wash over you. Trying not to shake too much because of the cake in your hand.
And before you could overthink what you were doing, you knocked on the door, taking a deep breath and smoothing your shirt.
She opened the door, her eyes were as cold as you expected, she was staring at you, and then the little box you were holding, and then at you face again.
"Hi." You tried to sound normal. "Can we talk?"
She tilted her head a little to the side, a smile on her face. "I don't think so."
Why did you think it was gonna be easy?
She went to close the door, but before she could, you held it open, getting closer to her.
"Clarisse, please? I really wanna talk."
"Well, I really don't care."
But she didn't move, she didn't back away from you or tried closing the door again, she just stood there, hand on the door knob.
"I have cake!" she looked a little confused, looking at the small box you were holding again. "Orange cake, it's delicious. It's... for you."
You sounded out of breath, like you just ran a marathon.
She sighed and turned around, leaving the door open for you.
"Everybody, get out!"
Without saying anything, her siblings left, some of them giving you a glare, but most left without even looking at you.
Clarisse looked over at your direction again and gesture for you to get in.
"Nice bow."
When you turned around to look at her, she was leaning on the door, like she was ready to kick you out at any minute.
"Thank you." You said touching the bow in your hair, trying not to smile at the fact she complimented you.
She stared at you for a few seconds and rolled her eyes. "What are you doing here? Because if you're just going to stand there–"
"I came to apologize." You took one step closer to her, feeling a little bit more confident. "The way I treated you at the beach... that was horrible, I'm so sorry. You don't need to forgive me or anything but I just– I just wanted to say that I like you. And I didn't want to admit that, because, it's so scary, and you make me feel like I'm gonna die sometimes because of how fast my heart beats when you're around."
"And I was so ready to just pretend I don't feel this way, but then I saw you with that girl and, I just can't do that. Giving us a chance might hurt me in the future but not having you right now hurts just the same, and I can't take it. And I know I'm a coward and–"
"Is that orange cake you said?"
"I'm sorry?" you looked at her like she just said the most offensive thing known to man. "That's it? That's what you took from all that? I'm opening my heart to you."
She took a few steps closer to you, an infuriating smile on her face. "Yeah, I heard that part, how did you even get this cake?"
"It was one of my sisters birthday yesterday and–, you know what, it doesn't matter, don't you think you have something to say to me?"
You were so annoyed, was she dismissing everything you just said?
"Oh, like what?"
"Like... like, you like me back maybe? Maybe an apology for being so horrible to me years ago? Maybe–"
"Gods, you talk so much."
And then she kissed you. But this time, it was different. She was kissing you like she was trying to tell you everything she couldn't put into words, hoping you'd understand.
Without stopping the kiss, she took the cake out of your hands, putting it on a table behind you. Her own grabbing your waist.
You touched the back of her neck, not wanting to let go of her, trying to make this moment last for was long as you could.
When she leaned away, she had a smile on her face, a genuine one.
"Did you mean everything you just said?"
You nodded, still holding her. "More than anything."
"I'm sorry I was mean to you." You were about to kiss her again but she pulled away. "And I like you too by the way, don't know if you were able to catch that."
You shook your head and laughed a little. "No, I got that part, but thanks."
"And also, I love orange cake."
You gave her a smile before leaning in to kiss her again.
•┈୨♡୧┈•
After that, you would spend most of your free time with Clarisse, you guys would go on long walks at night, she would help you practice whenever she got the chance and you would always end up in her cabin somehow.
"Oh gods! Just stop moving!"
You couldn't stop laughing, you guys were sitting on her bed, her hand on your thigh, while you were holding her tube of black nail polish, painting her nails.
"What? Can't I kiss my girlfriend?"
She wouldn't stop moving, trying to get close to you at all cost, holding your face with her free hand, making you look at her. She had a huge smile on her face, making you smile too.
"Am I your girlfriend?"
"Of course you are."
Her voice was so soft, and her hand on your face felt comforting. Making you want to melt into her.
"Okay then." you gave her a peck on the cheek. "Will you let your girlfriend finish painting your nails?"
She laughed and laid her head on your shoulder. "Yes ma'am."
A few seconds later, she heard your vocie again.
"Clarisse?"
"Yes?"
"I could spend the rest of my life with you like this."
She didn't answer you for a few seconds, watching her nails turn black, your delicate hands doing a way better job than she ever could.
She lifted her head from your shoulder, focusing on your concentrated face. A small smile on her lips.
"Yeah, me too."
Now you hang from my lips like the gardens of Babylon. With your boots beneath my bed, forever is the sweetest con.
#clarisse x reader#clarisse la rue x reader#clarisse pjo#clarisse la rue#dior goodjohn#clarisse x you#percy jackon and the olympians#percy jackson#strawberryyivy#fanfic
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micaclan tumblr dash simulator
☁️ the-fluffiest-puddle follow
I cannot believe the things my friends talk me into. on an unrelated note where can you hide a baby coyote
#puddletalks #seriously where did they find that thing #and WHY did they keep it??
(3 notes)
⭐️ larkstar-unofficial follow
if you catch prey and eat it before bringin anything back to the clan i'll kill you on sight <3 many such cases, unfortunately
🌠 larkstar-official follow
Laureltail I know this is you. I've told you twice now to delete this blog. Meet me in my den this evening, we're having a talk
⭐️ larkstar-unofficial follow
chat i think im going to die tonight
#remember me #never forget my sacrifice
(24 notes)
🐆 speckled-trees-and-autumn-leaves follow
people looove to ask me "oh birchspeckle tell me the future, will the clan thrive this greenleaf, will i find a mate that loves me" but then the SECOND i tell them the exact time and date of their death suddenly I'M the bad guy?? like ok sweaty you're the one that was after forbidden knowledge you don't get to be choosy about what you learn
#justmedicinecatthings #seriously they get so upset when they learn this stuff like. how do you think i feel? #i just gotta sit on this information forever? im not allowed to vent?? #this is why i never hang out in the camp smh
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🐦⬛ muddy-paws follow
anybody else finding the torment relentless
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💊 owlpounce-official follow
This is your reminder to stretch before partaking in any strenuous activity! The best way to stay healthy and happy is to take steps to avoid being hurt in the first place. Stretching first may seem like a waste of time, but I promise it's much better to spend a few minutes stretching your legs before hunting than to spend a few days in the medicine den recovering from a pulled muscle!
#PSA #selfcare #safe practices
(15 notes)
🍐 having-a-peary-good-day follow
I don't want to name any names, but I feel like we as a clan have an issue with delegation of labor when it comes to the care of our most vulnerable members. Watching the kits is all well and good, but as the only current queen in the nursery right now, I find myself doing so much repair work for the den walls all by myself. Nominally, our apprentices ought to be doing much of this work, but quite frankly, our 'paws simply don't have the necessary experience to fix the more delicate areas, and I have ended up redoing much of their work myself. This isn't to disparage our apprentices, they've been doing their best, but I have ideas as to how we might better address these issues as a clan.
Keep reading
#genuinely I think we could be doing this so much more efficiently #like I understand that the 'paws need the learning experience #but not at the cost of our kitten's warmth and safety #you know? #and that's not even mentioning the elder's den
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💫 swooping-hawk-rising-star follow
fffksnkd. Ssssssksdjsj,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,h
🪷 white-tipped-tail follow
You ok, Hawkpaw?
💫 swooping-hawk-rising-star follow
COYOTE PUP ON MY KEYBOARD
#HELP
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🦊 foxjaw-official follow
The dawn patrol spotted bear tracks this morning just past the northeastern border, near the old hemlock tree. The tracks were old, and did not lead into Micaclan territory. Be that as it may, remember to remain on guard, and to travel in groups of 3 or more until it can be confirmed that the bear has not remained close by.
#PSA #patrol reports
(15 notes)
🏞️ gullys-tuft follow
Why is Sandleap retching into the bushes
#should i really be asking? #do i even want to know?
(2 notes)
🌸 resting-on-your-laurels follow
gonna stuff a frog inside a squirrel for my morning meal. surf and terf
🌸 resting-on-your-laurels follow
dont do this
🔥 embers-and-sparks follow
you can't tell me what to do
🔥 embers-and-sparks follow
dont do this
🏜️ pocket-sand follow
It can't be that bad!
🏜️ pocket-sand follow
dont do this
#the texture #its so bad #i dont want to waste prey but. i dont think i can swallow this #not pogchamp
(13 notes)
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#micaclan#I don't even know what to tag this HAHA#au where everything is the same except micaclan inexplicably has access to various forms of social media
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How do I know if I'm plural?
I recently started talking to myself as like, a way to reassure and encourage myself and stuff. Saying stuff like "you're fine, you didn't do anything wrong" or "Do you want to do X, Y, Z... Z? Alright, let's do Z then." And now I'm not sure if it's just a good coping strategy for me or if I might be plural?
Like I'm not sure sometimes if the person doing the reassuring and the person being reassured are the same person, y'know? And sometimes it feels almost like a kind of dialogue, but other times it just feels like I'm speaking into a void? Are we median? Am I only one gal? Dunno!
And idk what if I'm just trying to like. Appropriate plurality because I think it's neat or something. I know and see a lot of systems and genuinely do think plurality is rly cool so what if I'm just trying to be plural on some level. It always feels kinda deliberate when I talk to myself
Needless to say I am very lost and thinking about it is making my head hurt and my chest tighten. Sorry if this is a bit of a long ask you don't have to respond I'm just trying to find answers however I can
I'm a bit under the weather rn im sorry if this is loopy so I want to make a comic on this eventually, Im just no good at general infographics Plurality is vast, complex, and varied. So its hard to say yes or no based on this But heres the three rules I'll follow looking for plurality without typical DID/OSDD redflags 1. If you have opposing thoughts or morals appear in your thinking process, particularly after a stressful event. 2. If you have names, images, or other things associated with these reassuring voice 3. If people say you have different "modes" or literally say you act like a differnet person sometimes and its confusing. 4. If these voices in your head arent... yours. Its hard to explain, but I feel like those with plurality could explain. --- Ultimately if you want to find out if your plural, 1st.
Be ready if you are scared, might freakout, or are actively angry or upset at these thoughts, understand that if an alter can emerge, they wont if they are under threat. You have to be kind, ready to accept them, and most importantly ready to apologize the them if you were toxic before. They can tell if you are sincere. 2nd.
Look yourself in the mirror, ask to meet anybody in there, tell them Thank you for existing.
3rd.
Imagine yourself a headspace if you don't have one. This is an imaginary world that can be anything you want from vast universes to an empty void. But create a place to meet.
Meditate, create a place to see them, to meet them, to speak with them. Be patient, focus on breathing, focus on visualizing the space. Try to exist solely within that space. Invite them there, they might show 4. Be Ready. Plurality cannot be unseen once you see it, your life will never be the same. And ultimately it could be the best thing ever, but it can be incredibly hard, rocky, and bring up alot of trauma in your life. Be sure you want to explore this and are in a point of your life you are able to handle it.
-- If theres any advice from more educated systems let me know, im not the most educated here, these are just whats worked for me.
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